It was 1998 and I was 11. It was raining and I was waiting for the rain to stop at my favorite hideout... the orphanage shelter. With ramzan and some other friend, we waited for our ustad. We heard that he were being detained by the police. We heard he suffered injuries. We also heard many bad thing. And then our ustad came back, at 8pm perhaps, the first he said was "Anjing". He suffered back pain from the baton hitting. His shirt made him looks like a rock star dumped in a pool full of band aid... all tear apart but still ruggedly fitted like the one you see in the movie when someone just had a bad car accident.

I was happy and angry at the same time. It was clear to me at that time that the enemy we ought to fight is corrupt government. Since that day onward my view on the governing system has not been changed a bit. For me, there are only two kind of human, one who is greedy and one who sacrifice, both as I understood when I was young - live for something they think worth it for them.

The term worth or worth it was first came to my ear when my brother ask my mom what is the meaning of berbaloi? and I couldnt remember what my mom answered but it kept me pondered. I wonder around looking for meaning. At that time we had a sort of bunker where we will hide at night when we sneak out of house just to be with friend. Normally we will smoke the rolled newspaper - as an introduction to tobbacco addiction. A very bad one i presume. And it was normal for them to get question like this from me.

nobody really knows what worth mean. we were just a bunch of kids with no toys to play with and a target to achieve next year. everybody felt like it was our last time being kids because next year, the examination we are forced to take will ditermine our future.

I believe that.

Nonetheless I like to play around with words and picked up a joke a long the way. I told my friend the worst thing is not failing in our future, it is when Mahathir get mad. It was sort of relief when we are able to laugh at this. I continue telling kids to do whatever they want as long as they don't make mahathir mad.

Being kids means being 100% human. we are not bound to stering wheel or computer desk. we fully utilize our creativity and our body. in other word i understood the word freedom would not come around if the adults were not bound to unfreedomness. and I saw what it mean being a grown up. I begin to understand what worth really mean. it means you get the benefit from it.

I think spending time writing this is really worth it. I hope you get some benefit from reading it.


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