Lima

It was 1998 and I was 11. It was raining and I was waiting for the rain to stop at my favorite hideout... the orphanage shelter. With ramzan and some other friend, we waited for our ustad. We heard that he were being detained by the police. We heard he suffered injuries. We also heard many bad thing. And then our ustad came back, at 8pm perhaps, the first he said was "Anjing". He suffered back pain from the baton hitting. His shirt made him looks like a rock star dumped in a pool full of band aid... all tear apart but still ruggedly fitted like the one you see in the movie when someone just had a bad car accident.

I was happy and angry at the same time. It was clear to me at that time that the enemy we ought to fight is corrupt government. Since that day onward my view on the governing system has not been changed a bit. For me, there are only two kind of human, one who is greedy and one who sacrifice, both as I understood when I was young - live for something they think worth it for them.

The term worth or worth it was first came to my ear when my brother ask my mom what is the meaning of berbaloi? and I couldnt remember what my mom answered but it kept me pondered. I wonder around looking for meaning. At that time we had a sort of bunker where we will hide at night when we sneak out of house just to be with friend. Normally we will smoke the rolled newspaper - as an introduction to tobbacco addiction. A very bad one i presume. And it was normal for them to get question like this from me.

nobody really knows what worth mean. we were just a bunch of kids with no toys to play with and a target to achieve next year. everybody felt like it was our last time being kids because next year, the examination we are forced to take will ditermine our future.

I believe that.

Nonetheless I like to play around with words and picked up a joke a long the way. I told my friend the worst thing is not failing in our future, it is when Mahathir get mad. It was sort of relief when we are able to laugh at this. I continue telling kids to do whatever they want as long as they don't make mahathir mad.

Being kids means being 100% human. we are not bound to stering wheel or computer desk. we fully utilize our creativity and our body. in other word i understood the word freedom would not come around if the adults were not bound to unfreedomness. and I saw what it mean being a grown up. I begin to understand what worth really mean. it means you get the benefit from it.

I think spending time writing this is really worth it. I hope you get some benefit from reading it.

Love.

Ayam paling gebu dalam reban

Kemudian aku teringat betapa bosannya dia. Tidak berhenti mengomel betapa dirinya hodoh. Cantik padanya bila bogel tiada cela. Sebab gusar dia kembali ke dalam kincir. Setelah itu dia pun diam. Pokpekannya jadi hilang. Yang kedengaran cuma ketawa genit bila ada yang menggamit. Dia pergi tanpa pamit. Cuma aku yang lupa bahawa dia amat membosankan.

Tepat ke titik

Tidakkah kau merasa dikhianati? Setelah kau bermalam di dataran kemudian melompat kawat besi, kau jatuh dan digari hanya untuk mendengar orang tua itu berteriak... "Bersurailah! Terima kasih kerana sudi dtg dari seluruh negara!" Tidakkah kau sakit hati? Tidakkah kau merasa ditipu? Atau kau sebenarnya lebih rela memanjakan kebencianmu daripada bertekad untuk benar-benar berevolusi.

Satu lagi pandangan sempit

Dalam suasana lebih-kurang demokrasi di Malaysia ini jarang kita terfikir yang sebenarnya kita boleh hidup bebas daripada kerajaan. Mana tidaknya, warga negara kecil ini tidak dapat lari daripada realiti yang perubahan Cuma dapat dilaksanakan dalam masa lima tahun melalui pilihanraya untuk menggantikan oligarki lama dengan yang baru (itu tidak pernah berlaku lagi) supaya masalah oligarki lama dapat diperbetulkan oleh yang baru.

Kita tidak dapat melihat melampaui Parlimen sebagai mesin menguruskan negara. Kita marahkan badut lama dan gantikannya dengan badut baru. Kita percayakan reformasi atau transformasi yang tidak berkesudahan. Akhirnya harapan dikaburi alasan dan penungguan revolusi terkubur bersama pengalaman.

Kerajaan melakukan terlalu banyak perkara dan kebanyakkannya dilakukan dengan teruk sekali. Sebagai contoh, kerajaan sepatutnya melindungi kita daripada dianiaya tetapi mereka tidak melakukanya dengan baik. Dalam masa yang sama mereka menggalakkan kita dianiaya dengan menjenayahkan sesuatu yang kita suka seperti ganja, ketum, 4 orang pelajar UKM yang ditangkap kerana suka berpolitik.

Kerajaan juga sukakan pengganas, kerana ia memberi iklan percuma menggambarkan betapa pentingnya kerajaan dan rakyat perlu terus berlindung dibawahnya. Mereka juga sukakan peperangan luar negara supaya kerajaan dapat mendabik dada menayangkan betapa harmoninya negara ini. Musuh adalah ciptaan kerajaan supaya ia dapat duduk dikalangan watak syumul bersih seperti kata George Orwell dalam 1984.

Tapi kita punya pilihan – anarki, atau swa-kerajaan – yang digambarkan sebagai suatu yang menjurus kepada ketiadaan undang-undang dan kacau bilau. Tidak seperti yang digambarkan pasifis dan penulis War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy :

                "Walaupun ketiadaan kerajaan membawa erti anarki yang penuh dengan kekacauan – berbeza dengan maksud perkataannya – tidak pernah dalam mana-mana keadaan anarki lebih buruk daripada keadaan berkerajaan."

Tambah lagi, ada sesuatu yang semakin membusuk dalam hati sesebuah kerajaan – menjadikan kuasa sebagai kerjaya pilihan. Anda dibayar untuk berkuasa. Tambahan pula anda dapat kereta percuma, rumah, makan malam mewah dan ada orang yang akan menulis tentang anda didalam akhbar. Itulah kerjaya politik. Ia berlegar di ruang akademi kemasyuran untuk orang-orang yang tidak berbakat, simbolik untuk lelaki dan wanita yang membosankan.

Dalam sistem kerajaan apa pun baik komunis atau demokratis - memang tidak dapat dielak lagi - politikus adalah tikus yang berlari dalam kincir kerjayanya sendiri. Ia seperti haiwan yang bebas mengumpul wang dan mendaki tangga kuasa sehingga sehabis mampu.

setelah penat

Kemudian aku merindui dia. Yang membuat aku mensyukuri hari ini. Yang berdamai dengan masa laluku. Dia masa depanku.

Trouble with love

There are things that never change
And we are not one of them my dear,
Trouble with our love is here
The trouble with our love is around
When you can't look me in the eye,and lie
When you run so far away,
That you forget where to go back ...
Now,you are what you never want to be,
Go ahead,blame me ...
There are things that never change
Now we are two strangers with a past
And a future,that ain't gon'a last
And that is a trouble with our love,
Last night we saw things like we never did,
We both went our way,and hid ...

Miguel Piñero

where the brave go

Yesterday i met an old friend, he said, i live by your words and i am better... "what happen?" he asked.. and we reminisce how brave i was while I try to bury the truth that I made a big mistake leaving them there in the mental sanctuary. "I should have stayed there" whispered the voice in my heart as I took one slow and heavy walk to my bike. Zinggggg..!! the two strokes engine started. the faster i go the more i remember how ready i am to get killed on the road. and i realize i have left my bravery on the road. brave enough to challenge fate and cheat death. warm tears stream down my cheek. the voice whispers again "weak!"